March 12, 2015

I always have a hard time putting how I feel into words. Blogging was a way for me to practice that. Slowly but surely, I feel like I am making progress but not as much progress as I should. I stay up late tonight with so much to say - just don't know how to say it. I have been having quite a hard time how to put my thoughts on "paper" so to speak. These thoughts have been mulled over for days, weeks even. But here it is-

This past month has been one heck of roller coaster ride! I have never personally experienced so much in such a small period of time. But I did. And I made it through the storm. Others who were involved, not so much. Deaths are very hard to overcome. Especially when someone takes their own life. Whether you have a wonderful relationship with them, or maybe you don't, it's hard. Whether it's your brother, your husband, your son, your uncle, or an in-law, it's hard. You may have your ups and downs with them but in the end, they will always matter to you whether you like it or not. No matter what

After finding out the details of the horrendous situation, I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know how to act or help because I had never felt this feeling before. And I knew others were suffering with so much pain and sadness. I knew. But in a way, I guess I was still in so much shock that I didn't realize the severity of the situation. I was lost in my own head. Still, with all that was just thrown at us, within a blink of an eye, we packed our bags and headed to Kansas. It was a sad gathering, with a few happy moments thrown in there, for the Moore's. Lots of words being said, lots of love being shared. Though, we all had the pain in our hearts and the thought in the back of our mind. It was settled. The planning for the funeral begun and we drove to Colorado Springs. Eight hours, one dog, one baby, eight people, two cars, and one horrible snow storm - but we made it. Time creeped up on us as it was almost the day of the funeral. Mind you, I have never been to a funeral or have even seen a dead body before. This was all very new to me. Stepping into the funeral home was hard for everyone. I decided to be the last to enter. Mostly because I was the newest member of the family and I was toting around my little one. What I then saw hit me like a brick. Not the flowers, the casket, nor the body that got me, no. It was the immediate family walking up to him crying in pain and falling one by one; like dominoes. Holding onto each other for both comfort and strength. And I lost it. Never have I ever felt so much raw emotion in one second. I watched as the family gathered to comfort one another. To kiss, hug, and breathe in one another. To just love when love is lost.

Suicide is tough. So many questions unanswered. Lots of "whys" and "what ifs" or "I could've prevented it if I just"..  Sadly, sometimes there is and will never be a real answer. Especially in this situation. But one thing we always need to remember is to thank God for every wonderful moment shared with those who are important to you because those are the best memories.

Over the course of time, I thought of this verse, but was too choked up (and still am) to share:

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." 
-Isaiah 43:2

Rest in peace, Steve. You will surely be missed by many many people!

And please, if you need someone to talk to, are suffering, or need help, please please PLEASE do not hesitate to call the national suicide prevention lifeline. Or if you're up for it, even talk to me. Please don't let something eat you up inside so much that you have to take your own life. Always remember that you're worth it and people love and need you in their lives!


  1. So sorry to hear that this is something you are dealing with.
    My grandfather committed suicide when I was about 10 - my parents kept this from me until I was older, and just my parents went to the service.

    Nonetheless, It makes you really think about what and WHO is most important - and how real, daily connections are so vital - even if you don't think so. Its rough.
    Girl, you wrote about it well - hope things are getting better on your end of the world.

    1. It's been tough, but we are all getting through it. Thank you for reading!


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